Shane kicks my a$$

Can you tell from Shane's comments that he's been in the military? haha.
However, you can see that he has that soft gooey side that helps old women across the street, brings his lady flowers, and saves kittens stuck in trees. You can just tell. :)

On a different note...
Do you believe in the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."?
With holidays looming(sounds ominous, and like giants), the Musician and I are forced to deal slash cope, with extended family that in this past year has caused our relationship a great amount of pain. For those just tuning in...dot dot dot. I'm married to a cheater. Not the kind that slips himself 100 dollar bills during Monopoly! The kind that breaks your heart when he falls in love, with your best friend and attempts to ruin everyone's lives, kind of cheater.
(God, I'm feeling humorous.)
Most couples who choose to continue a relationship after one of the parties cheats, seldom suceed at remaining faithful to each other. It's a statistic.
I want nothing more than to prove that statistic wrong.
However, the last fiasco, which involved my best friend, and my husband created a turning point in how my husband behaves.
(It should be noted that the latest affair was just one stemming from a loooong line of affairs, statistically, my husband could just be tired of hiding his shit.)

Generally, after I found out that my husband cheated on me, I would confront him, he'd be sorry, I'd forgive him, not trust him, and make his life hell for however long it would take for me to feel justified that he'd suffered enough. Rinse, repeat.

This time, something clicked.
Lightbulbs and all went on.
He IS different.

Part of me thinks he's just switching up his MO.

Another part thinks he's just tired of this dance.

Another tiny part feels hope that he is going to love me more than he loves himself.

And usually, after an affair, he would leave whoever it was he was with in the dust.
I would say cruelly.
Mostly because the few brave souls that would call him at home, and get me instead were...really messed up from what he did.

But, this time. Ah sigh.
This time.
It was my best friend.
That hurts. Ouch.
(Can you tell I'm getting over it?! Feels good.)
However, like any insane story that involves my family, excluding a Jerry Springer appearance, We have my best friend's brother who is in love with my husband's sister.
Bam.
Instant family.

(Which by the way...it's so funny when I rub it in that eventually his ex-girlfriend will be his sister in law. It grosses him out. lol. )

So we must deal.
No, he deals.
I cope.

Holidays mean, plastic smiles and careful bitch, your gaze lingers too long...
Holidays mean, insecure belly aches, headaches and mistrust oozing out of my every pore.

What this really means is...once a cheater, always a cheater?
I think so.
I think it's still in him to cheat on me.
I can't keep him from it. How could I? The ball is in his court. His serve.
It comes down to trust.
Can I trust him?
One part says "No you stupid fool"
Another part, "Yeah, something is different."

The war!

A lot of this year has been spent repairing our relationship.
We are different.
Stronger.
But it only takes a straw to break the camel's back.

I didn't want to write a sad downer post about my trust issues.
I don't feel sad.
I feel strong.
In spite.
I can see victory on the horizon.
I chose to see it.

gaming is for n00bs

We bought a Wii.

That's a good sentence.

The Musician and I are what people call, "gamers". I have been playing video games for as long as I can remember. My first "gaming system" was an atari. lol.
The best part of my evenings is when the Musician comes home and we play a game. We get out our frustrations, and we talk.
I like that I can talk to him, even if we don't agree, we talk.

"I'm good at this one." Me, referring to Wii Sports, bowling game.
"Yeah? we'll see."
After a few minutes of bowling and practice games, he asks how my day was.
"It was alright. I still get so bored during the day sometimes. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wait to go back to school."
"You can go back if you want. No one stops you, but you." He is a huge advocate for education. :)
"I know, I just think it can wait til' Baby JD is big enough for school herself." I bowl my 6th strike in a row and do my victory dance.
He never gets mad at my victory dances.
"Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?" He smiles at me as he watches me bowl my tenth frame.
"Maybe a dentist. Maybe a programmer. Maybe an accountant. I don't know. What if I don't want to be anything?" I dance some more over my score of 260.
"No one stops you, but you. I've always said that."
"I know, if it's one thing you've always said...it's that." I laugh because he hates it when I reiterate what he's just said.
"You can be a pro smart ass. You're good at that." He pulls me in close.
We stand hugging for a few moments, then he breaks loose, "Hey, have you ever thought of being a writer?"

Argh.
Do you ever feel like you don't want to even attempt to do something because you know you'll just end up disappointed?

O is for Oh-ficial

Today, I got my Idaho State Driver's license. How official am I?
I've lived here(in the state) for over a year and I'm just now...official.

Sometimes when people ask where I live, I say a bit quietly, "Idaho."
I don't think I'm ashamed...it's something like, it's not fully my home yet. In my mind.

I'm a southern girl for the most part.
Fried chicken,
Sweet Ice Tea,
and the accent.

I get comments on my drawl...

My license picture turned out okay.
I went in and didn't expect to pass.
So therefore, my hair and makeup were...well minimal. haha

I dot.
Dot, dot, dot.

Trav was out shoveling snow today.
He is SO damn sexy handsome.
I think older men are where it's at.
Now, I just have to wait for my Musician to hit 50 or somethin'.
smokin'.

:)

This writing thing is like stretching after a long sleep.

take a deep breath before you hit this

Dear Person,
I'm pledging again to write for a week, at least once a day.

Deep inside I know it's good for me.
Stretches my brains.

I shoveled snow today. It's good exercise.

Things that make me happy:

• Soft, wet snow.
• The words soft and wet. *hehe*
• Cold kisses.
• Cocoa and mittens...not gloves, mittens!!
• winter
• video games. a great release from reality.
• daydreaming about the what if's.
• Christmas coming.
• Making homemade anything.
• My kids telling me I'm the "superdoublation" best mom. :)
  
• Hugs and that "chin thing" to my neck from my Musician.
• Candles.
• Being able to jump up and down, dance and walk.
  
• Movies that let you crochet.
• Praise from my man.
• scarves.
• the eight pillows on my bed.
• cold air deep in my lungs.
  
• heavy quilts and comforters in the mornings.
• thoughts of my blog friends.
• Shane, Flygirl, Leen, rick, Edge, Lewis, Jazzy, Mel, Nan, Zulu, and any Tim.
• people I didn't mention...:)
  

I went shopping some today for Christmas decorations. Since buying this house I feel the need to nest and line it with things...but I'm picky about what I put in/on it. I love that I can paint, put up, shove out anything I want.
Houses have personalities, and I can feel mine becoming so much of who I am. I love it.

My birthday came and went too...I didn't mention it because...well, I didn't. lol
I loved this year's birthday mark. It made me stand tall to realize that I'm STILL here. No one can knock me down and not expect me to come back with flying colors. AGAIN!
January will mark my second year of being able to walk as well. :) Sooo much. I was walking to the grocery store on my birthday in the rain...and it was like...all my dreams were true. I was walking, it was misting, my Musician at home waiting, and flowers at the backdoor from Trav. How could it not be any better?

I wish I had shared that with you. The happiness. I get selfish with that I think.
I'll try harder.

Til' tomorrow!
Lynn

pieces pieces everywhere

I said I wouldn't post until there was something to post...but it's kinda dumb because what classifies something as, well, something?

Doing lots of reading, writing, pasting in my journal, laughing.
I laugh with the Musician.
We lay in bed naked at night and giggle over stupid things.

Maybe that is something.

I can't really remember the last time in our marriage when we were laughing with the other. I remember high school days, and early honeymoon days...it's a great feeling.

My heart still hurts. In spite of how idyllic and cheerio happy my life might appear.

How is it that you can have the whole world in your palm and you still want more?!

Thanksgiving is coming up. Turkey.
I noticed Trav, the guy next door, carrying a turkey into his house for his sister.
It looked pretty big for two people.

We went to a birthday party a few days back.
The usual people we knew were there.
Trav was there too. With some recently divorced blonde woman.
I thought I would be mad jealous...but I wasn't.
That made me sad.
I should be happy that I am moving forward.
Sigh.

I hate sounding meloncholy.
What a weird word.

Leen posted some fantastic 'weird' facts about herself.
Isn't it funny how we post things that we think are weird and then half of our readers say, "I do that too!" and then we find that deep down we're all pretty much the same. Except some people love Neil Diamond, and some people don't.
I wish it were that easy to define the whole universe.

Weird fact about myself: I like words. Not so much the spelling, or the meanings of words...the sounds. When I say them. I'll roll words around, and round my tongue for days because I love the sound. Like Spunk.
Spunk
Spunky.
spunk.
though some words look fantastic enough you can't help but want to say them.
gank.
love that word.
there is freedom in no caps.

But, I'm too particular to do that for long.

We laugh.
That pleases me a lot. More than I probably say, but should.
When I'm in that moment and my stomach is just heaving from the laughing, I forget the whole world...and I just see him, hear him, breath him.
I would laugh forever if my stomach didn't ache after a bit.

dark letters on the page

I can't seem to think of anything to write.
That makes for a very blank blog.
I tried to think of things to blog about as I was driving the minivan to yet another ballet lesson, sandwiched in between a piano lesson and an aikido lesson. Hm.

I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird". I wasn't that impressed actually. I loved reading it. But, the point of it, was a point I read from some other book long before I read that one. However, the characters in it were real people. I love it when I find real live people in the pages of a book. It's the kind of feeling I get when I have to go from someone's presence that I really enjoy. That last page ends and you wonder what will happen to them after you 've left.

To ease the hunger of my neverending insatiable appetite for long drawn out fiction, I went to Goodwill and bought 3 of the fattest books I could find.
Now that I am a grand age of 27, I know that I like reading fiction the best. I won't lie and say I like philosophy or politics. No. I love fiction. With a capital F. :) The 3 aforementioned books are now patiently waiting from the top shelf of my bookcase.
The Musician doesn't read books hardly ever. He asked me why I didn't read history or politics or something "with purpose". I told him that books for me, have never had any purpose except to provide escape to places I'd probably never go, and hang out with people who don't care what I know about them. That is a book's purpose for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a hero of sorts. Swooping into Goodwill, or some other dusty used book store and buying 'that' book, and letting it live on my shelves where it will grow old, but never dusty. Then again, I feel like I totally let 'that' book down, when it's time to make dinner and when I set it down, I quickly dog ear it's right page, then rush off to do something else with my time. I am not sure what I feel the most guilty about...not finishing it right away, or dog earing it. My librarian told me, in first grade for sure, that one should never deface a book, "our friends", by bending it an ear. Of course she added that, 'you wouldn't like it if someone bent you an ear now would you?'. Of course not! But, I was born with ears and usually when you rush off to do something else without me, I'll wait til' you come back and finish my story.

Books are people. I'm sure of it. They just have different covers. :)

let it snow!

It snowed today.
I got out the cocoa and snuggled with my girls and we watched Shirley Temple movies while it snowflaked all over our yard.

Sigh.
I feel content.