crooked souls

It seemed that we were fighting just as much as I fight with the Musician.
Over everything.
Now we were 'discussing' sharing a room.

"It's cheaper."
"I'll pay for my own thanks." I sink down into a lobby chair. It's not comfortable. But, I don't want him to know that sharing a room scares me...incriminates me.

"Why are you being like this?" His voice has the edge that makes me cry.
I attempt to remain calm.

"I'm not on this trip with you so we can sleep together, or discover some week long romance! I'm here cause we're friends and I was compromising." I am stubborn.

"I don't see why there is all this-" he waves his arms in the air.
"There isn't "all this"...there's just things I don't want." My eyes are filling up and I hate that.

He grabs my hand and we go sit in the truck facing a truck stop.
"Explain it." He turns his back to the driver's side window and waits.

I take a sigh and explain.
I won't be like him. I won't do anything that looks like what he did...and yet here I am. I feel guilty. I feel happy, I feel mad that I'm happy. I can't go on this trip and feel the way you want because I'm not where I need to be. In my life, in my heart, anywhere...

"You seem unhappy with him...sometimes when I see that, I just want to take you and make you understand what happiness is." He's too caring. Why is that I see that as a fault in him?

"Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean we're not meant to be together...doesn't mean I get to go off and do whatever I want..."

"does he tell you to say that?"
I explode at him. "You can't know what it's like...I know what it's like to be betrayed. I won't be like him. I won't!"

"Why are you staying with someone who hurts you?" He is looking past me.
"Because I promised I would." My chin raises in the air.
He smiles.
"I missed it." He rubs his fingers thru his hair under his ball cap. Streaks of silver run crazy everywhere.
"Missed what?" I ask with a soft tone, still staring at the truck stop across the way.
"Missed meeting you first." He sighs.