sway my way please

I was going to write a loving post about my plant Edgar...but I wanted to post his picture too!! And don'tcha just hate it when you mean to do something, but you can't find the one thing you need to finish your project? Can't find the blamed USB cable. Bleh.
So pictures of him must wait. .

I have been talking to Edgar about going back on anti-depressants.

Me: So. I have been tempted to start popping those little blue pills again.
Ed: Yeah? Have you tried the red ones? Oh ha.
(He has such a great sense of humor!)
Me: Well, I have felt so...out of touch. Daydreaming constantly, and not getting anything done.
Ed: I know. You've hardly talked to me in 2 days. I miss our talks.
Me: Yeah. I suck.
Ed: No, you're just busy.
Me: So what do you think?
Ed: Whatever helps you.
Me: You're supposed to be helpful Ed...
Ed: I am just a leafy plant after all. I don't get paid or anything.
Me: Ouch! I thought you liked listening to me. You missed our talks!
Ed: Don't humans understand sarcasm?
Me: Uh, yeah...I was trying to make you feel guilty.
Ed: Oh-kay. When are you going to realize that I'm a plant?

PS. Edgar sounds a lot like Brian from Family Guy. hehehe

Part 1

Daily trips to the park were becoming my favorite part of the day.
My one year old Kate could seemingly sit in the baby swing for hours and hours on end. That whoosh sent her flying into giggles. It gave me a bit of relief from the constant chase Kate around the house game she seemed to enjoy more and more since she started walking.

Being outside made my head feel less full. Of thoughts, of dreams, and of wishes that would probably never come true. I had always thought that if I were good, and if I were careful enough with my relationships I would end up happily ever after.
Now, I'm stuck. Stuck with dreams, and wishes that plagued me like a disease.
Stuck at home, and stuck with a man I was pretty sure didn't love me anymore.

With Kate on the swing and my arm in smooth rhythmic motion, I didn't notice the bright cherry red minivan pull up into the parking lot. Usually the park was deserted from the time I got there, til' the hour I left. I was lost in my thoughts.
I didn't hear her walk up either.
It's funny how you don't realize that certain moments are coming.
Moments that will change your life, change everything.

schmoozing is for losers!

So we got started on our 'to do' list and finished 2 out of the 20 already! They were the more personal ones. Haha, go figure.

Over the weekend, we also had the Musician's company Christmas party. I think long, long ago, they were all really fun to hang out with people...but somehow they got overrun by overdramatic christians.

I find it humorous that before we get there the Musician and I are 'briefing' each other on what we've told whom. Some people don't know that we don't object to social drinking. Others know that we can tie it on any given night of the week. lol. We ended up in the middle of the table, half of the disagreeable on one side, the fun people on the other. It made my head buzz...maybe it was the wine. Schmoozing is something I'm really good at. I like to think that I'm one of the more interesting wives. Always have a lot going on and that night I felt like such a party animal. Not sure why...I laughed too much. If you can laugh too much.

Sometimes I wish I didn't talk about christians with such a bitter taste in my mouth. :) I like what God has done for me...but I hate how He hasn't changed christianity one bit. Even though He has the perfect power to strike all the hate, anger, and self-righteousness out of all the back stabbing, fun-loving christians. See? Bitter, bitter! ugh.

I hate seeing bitterness in myself, because I see it in them and I don't want any part of that.

It's Monday again.
I kind of like Mondays. It means going back to work, blah, blah...but sometimes it feels like a whole new year starting over. I can reset all my weekly resolutions.
Time to tackle that laundry pile. hehe

things to get done very soon.

1. make a list of important books and read them all aloud.
2. paint an abstract painting
3. get a tattoo
4. Learn Spanish
5. Take more photos of the kids and have them displayed somewhere
6. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
7. learn to snowboard
8. memorize all the countries & capitals in the world
9. learn more about wine
10. Go To More Local Gigs And See More Concerts
11. landscape the backyard
12. decorate downstairs bathroom
13. Learn to Dance; Take a Dance Course!
14. organize my laundry room
15. Plan a trip to Italy, but don't go...yet.
16. Varnish dining room table
17. Take photography/cooking classes
18. Learn Adult First Aid and CPR


Here is our list!
We had 20 things, but two of them are semi personal. hehe.
Again, not that I want to censor myself at all. I just feel really apprehensive because 'someone' else keeps reading me from the same place the Musician works. It's weird. I hardly check my site meter...and I hadn't since well, I came back, but this afternoon, I was extreemely bored. So I peeked. I don't know if I feel better or worse. :)

Friday afternoons

Last night I was minding my own business and the Musician decided to pick a fight.
This is unusual because he usually never pushes anything. He can be critical and annoying, but he never goes looking to argue.
So, he made me cry, and then he made me tell him all my dark secrets. How I'm afraid of making friends in 'real life' because of how I've been hurt. How I hide in my house, and I don't go out like I used to.
I don't know why he did it.
We were fine at the end of everything.
Cuddling and talking.
Intimate.

But, why pick a fight?
I guess he asks the same of me when I do that to him.

He did say that he wanted to 'do' things with me. That we don't do enough together.
Granted, that is always nice to say.
But, sometimes I think we're better when he works 10 hours a day, and we get 3 hours to chill before bedtime. Sometimes I feel like, our jokes while getting the kids to bath, bed and sleep is enough for me. I like our 10 minute talks and updates in bed after we have sex. I feel like that has been enough.

How can I complain when he says, "I want to do more things with you that don't involve a screen?!"
I can't.
I won't.

Because I remember the days when I would complain about not being able to do things with him because he carried a church in his back pocket and I competed with them for his time. lol.

I worry that we'll be at each other's throats.

Then again...

We are each making a list of 20 things we can do with each other. Our lists can be whatever we want, and the other person has the option to not do it, but you can only opt out on 3 things.
We love rules. lol.
I love lists.
I had mine done by morning and reminded him to get on his.

I hope it works out. Just because it would be fantastic to get matching tattoos!!

I'll clean it up

So I have been digging the real life. Eating, sleeping, talking, even the occasional family crisis...I've been taking things in stride. Not so messy.

but...(there it is!)

I feel scattered and freaked out.
Over nothing.
I can't put my finger on it.
There's money in the bank.
No videos are overdue.
The kids all have their shots and new shoes.
We're having sex almost every night.
My hair is it's natural dark brown and my skin is clear.

but...

I'm worried.
Deep down.

I hate nitpicking. I hate finding things that 'might' go wrong.
I hate examining every inch, and scouring my mind for problems that don't exist.

It's like I feel like I can't be happy.
That I don't deserve peace and harmony in my every day life.

There must always be something!!

Why?!

Blech.

clean up my messes

I hate that the weekend is over and I'm more tired coming out of it than I was going into it.
Friends of our wanted to take the Musician out for his birthday on Friday, so we went out. The next day some other friends of ours wanted to go out for lunch, and hang around the city, so we did that...with hangovers. lol.
Then we had playdates scheduled for the kids on Sunday...blah, blah. I had laundry to catch up on, and we stayed up waaay too late last night.
I'm whiny now.
Grumpy even.

Now today, my whole family are coming to the "city" to shop for Christmas. They want to stay the night, so yet again I'm cleaning up after our weekend of being busy. I kinda want it to stop.
I want to sleep in.
Play warcraft.
Eat pizza.
Sleep some more.
Play Excite Truck.
Spit sunflower seeds.
Sleep.
Have sex.
Sleep some more.

Yeah. I need a few days of that.

hold onto your hats

It's December 1st.
I can drag out all my Christmas decorations and no one will tell me to put it away it's too early!!

Having a hard time thinking today.
We're having company for the weekend, so I'm in mad cleaning mode.
I make my 4 and 5 year old daughters work like slaves cleaning bathrooms, bedrooms etc.
They are SO good at it.
and so enthusiastic.
I wish they would never grow up and realize that cleaning is not fun. hehe

The Canadian blog awards are a big deal aye?! hehe.
I am an avid reader of Raymi the Minx.
She cracks me up and is...well, far from being like anyone else I have ever read.
However...
a while back I came across Blogging Baby, and Kristin from Debacherous and Dishevelled, and was hooked there as well. The mommyblogness of Kristin speaks volumes to me. She's kinda my hero since she has a work from home job, and children etc...

I think awards are cool and all, but it's so hard to vote for two different kinds of people...with 2 different kinds of blogs. You can kinda put them into catagories...but really ya can't.

I did choose sides and voted for only one of the two on all three of the computers in my house(each day this week) and I went to the library and voted there from 2 different computers for today. hehe. (I was bored during story hour!! I'm not obessessed with Canadian blog awards!)

Anyway, I like them both.

Ah sigh.
So much to do and here I sit.
I like how I keep saying I'll get up in 2 minutes...and 2 minutes goes by and I'm still here.

Procrastinator.
That is a great word.

Oh get up already.

Shane kicks my a$$

Can you tell from Shane's comments that he's been in the military? haha.
However, you can see that he has that soft gooey side that helps old women across the street, brings his lady flowers, and saves kittens stuck in trees. You can just tell. :)

On a different note...
Do you believe in the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."?
With holidays looming(sounds ominous, and like giants), the Musician and I are forced to deal slash cope, with extended family that in this past year has caused our relationship a great amount of pain. For those just tuning in...dot dot dot. I'm married to a cheater. Not the kind that slips himself 100 dollar bills during Monopoly! The kind that breaks your heart when he falls in love, with your best friend and attempts to ruin everyone's lives, kind of cheater.
(God, I'm feeling humorous.)
Most couples who choose to continue a relationship after one of the parties cheats, seldom suceed at remaining faithful to each other. It's a statistic.
I want nothing more than to prove that statistic wrong.
However, the last fiasco, which involved my best friend, and my husband created a turning point in how my husband behaves.
(It should be noted that the latest affair was just one stemming from a loooong line of affairs, statistically, my husband could just be tired of hiding his shit.)

Generally, after I found out that my husband cheated on me, I would confront him, he'd be sorry, I'd forgive him, not trust him, and make his life hell for however long it would take for me to feel justified that he'd suffered enough. Rinse, repeat.

This time, something clicked.
Lightbulbs and all went on.
He IS different.

Part of me thinks he's just switching up his MO.

Another part thinks he's just tired of this dance.

Another tiny part feels hope that he is going to love me more than he loves himself.

And usually, after an affair, he would leave whoever it was he was with in the dust.
I would say cruelly.
Mostly because the few brave souls that would call him at home, and get me instead were...really messed up from what he did.

But, this time. Ah sigh.
This time.
It was my best friend.
That hurts. Ouch.
(Can you tell I'm getting over it?! Feels good.)
However, like any insane story that involves my family, excluding a Jerry Springer appearance, We have my best friend's brother who is in love with my husband's sister.
Bam.
Instant family.

(Which by the way...it's so funny when I rub it in that eventually his ex-girlfriend will be his sister in law. It grosses him out. lol. )

So we must deal.
No, he deals.
I cope.

Holidays mean, plastic smiles and careful bitch, your gaze lingers too long...
Holidays mean, insecure belly aches, headaches and mistrust oozing out of my every pore.

What this really means is...once a cheater, always a cheater?
I think so.
I think it's still in him to cheat on me.
I can't keep him from it. How could I? The ball is in his court. His serve.
It comes down to trust.
Can I trust him?
One part says "No you stupid fool"
Another part, "Yeah, something is different."

The war!

A lot of this year has been spent repairing our relationship.
We are different.
Stronger.
But it only takes a straw to break the camel's back.

I didn't want to write a sad downer post about my trust issues.
I don't feel sad.
I feel strong.
In spite.
I can see victory on the horizon.
I chose to see it.