an anonymousgrrl

sway my way please

2006-12-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a loving post about my plant Edgar...but I wanted to post his picture too!! And don'tcha just hate it when you mean to do something, but you can't find the one thing you need to finish your project? Can't find the blamed USB cable. Bleh.
So pictures of him must wait. .

I have been talking to Edgar about going back on anti-depressants.

Me: So. I have been tempted to start popping those little blue pills again.
Ed: Yeah? Have you tried the red ones? Oh ha.
(He has such a great sense of humor!)
Me: Well, I have felt so...out of touch. Daydreaming constantly, and not getting anything done.
Ed: I know. You've hardly talked to me in 2 days. I miss our talks.
Me: Yeah. I suck.
Ed: No, you're just busy.
Me: So what do you think?
Ed: Whatever helps you.
Me: You're supposed to be helpful Ed...
Ed: I am just a leafy plant after all. I don't get paid or anything.
Me: Ouch! I thought you liked listening to me. You missed our talks!
Ed: Don't humans understand sarcasm?
Me: Uh, yeah...I was trying to make you feel guilty.
Ed: Oh-kay. When are you going to realize that I'm a plant?

PS. Edgar sounds a lot like Brian from Family Guy. hehehe

Part 1

2006-12-12T14:51:00.000-08:00

Daily trips to the park were becoming my favorite part of the day.
My one year old Kate could seemingly sit in the baby swing for hours and hours on end. That whoosh sent her flying into giggles. It gave me a bit of relief from the constant chase Kate around the house game she seemed to enjoy more and more since she started walking.

Being outside made my head feel less full. Of thoughts, of dreams, and of wishes that would probably never come true. I had always thought that if I were good, and if I were careful enough with my relationships I would end up happily ever after.
Now, I'm stuck. Stuck with dreams, and wishes that plagued me like a disease.
Stuck at home, and stuck with a man I was pretty sure didn't love me anymore.

With Kate on the swing and my arm in smooth rhythmic motion, I didn't notice the bright cherry red minivan pull up into the parking lot. Usually the park was deserted from the time I got there, til' the hour I left. I was lost in my thoughts.
I didn't hear her walk up either.
It's funny how you don't realize that certain moments are coming.
Moments that will change your life, change everything.

schmoozing is for losers!

2006-12-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

So we got started on our 'to do' list and finished 2 out of the 20 already! They were the more personal ones. Haha, go figure.

Over the weekend, we also had the Musician's company Christmas party. I think long, long ago, they were all really fun to hang out with people...but somehow they got overrun by overdramatic christians.

I find it humorous that before we get there the Musician and I are 'briefing' each other on what we've told whom. Some people don't know that we don't object to social drinking. Others know that we can tie it on any given night of the week. lol. We ended up in the middle of the table, half of the disagreeable on one side, the fun people on the other. It made my head buzz...maybe it was the wine. Schmoozing is something I'm really good at. I like to think that I'm one of the more interesting wives. Always have a lot going on and that night I felt like such a party animal. Not sure why...I laughed too much. If you can laugh too much.

Sometimes I wish I didn't talk about christians with such a bitter taste in my mouth. :) I like what God has done for me...but I hate how He hasn't changed christianity one bit. Even though He has the perfect power to strike all the hate, anger, and self-righteousness out of all the back stabbing, fun-loving christians. See? Bitter, bitter! ugh.

I hate seeing bitterness in myself, because I see it in them and I don't want any part of that.

It's Monday again.
I kind of like Mondays. It means going back to work, blah, blah...but sometimes it feels like a whole new year starting over. I can reset all my weekly resolutions.
Time to tackle that laundry pile. hehe

things to get done very soon.

2006-12-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

1. make a list of important books and read them all aloud.
2. paint an abstract painting
3. get a tattoo
4. Learn Spanish
5. Take more photos of the kids and have them displayed somewhere
6. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
7. learn to snowboard
8. memorize all the countries & capitals in the world
9. learn more about wine
10. Go To More Local Gigs And See More Concerts
11. landscape the backyard
12. decorate downstairs bathroom
13. Learn to Dance; Take a Dance Course!
14. organize my laundry room
15. Plan a trip to Italy, but don't go...yet.
16. Varnish dining room table
17. Take photography/cooking classes
18. Learn Adult First Aid and CPR

Here is our list!
We had 20 things, but two of them are semi personal. hehe.
Again, not that I want to censor myself at all. I just feel really apprehensive because 'someone' else keeps reading me from the same place the Musician works. It's weird. I hardly check my site meter...and I hadn't since well, I came back, but this afternoon, I was extreemely bored. So I peeked. I don't know if I feel better or worse. :)

Friday afternoons

2006-12-08T10:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I was minding my own business and the Musician decided to pick a fight.
This is unusual because he usually never pushes anything. He can be critical and annoying, but he never goes looking to argue.
So, he made me cry, and then he made me tell him all my dark secrets. How I'm afraid of making friends in 'real life' because of how I've been hurt. How I hide in my house, and I don't go out like I used to.
I don't know why he did it.
We were fine at the end of everything.
Cuddling and talking.
Intimate.

But, why pick a fight?
I guess he asks the same of me when I do that to him.

He did say that he wanted to 'do' things with me. That we don't do enough together.
Granted, that is always nice to say.
But, sometimes I think we're better when he works 10 hours a day, and we get 3 hours to chill before bedtime. Sometimes I feel like, our jokes while getting the kids to bath, bed and sleep is enough for me. I like our 10 minute talks and updates in bed after we have sex. I feel like that has been enough.

How can I complain when he says, "I want to do more things with you that don't involve a screen?!"
I can't.
I won't.

Because I remember the days when I would complain about not being able to do things with him because he carried a church in his back pocket and I competed with them for his time. lol.

I worry that we'll be at each other's throats.

Then again...

We are each making a list of 20 things we can do with each other. Our lists can be whatever we want, and the other person has the option to not do it, but you can only opt out on 3 things.
We love rules. lol.
I love lists.
I had mine done by morning and reminded him to get on his.

I hope it works out. Just because it would be fantastic to get matching tattoos!!

I'll clean it up

2006-12-07T15:46:00.000-08:00

So I have been digging the real life. Eating, sleeping, talking, even the occasional family crisis...I've been taking things in stride. Not so messy.

but...(there it is!)

I feel scattered and freaked out.
Over nothing.
I can't put my finger on it.
There's money in the bank.
No videos are overdue.
The kids all have their shots and new shoes.
We're having sex almost every night.
My hair is it's natural dark brown and my skin is clear.

but...

I'm worried.
Deep down.

I hate nitpicking. I hate finding things that 'might' go wrong.
I hate examining every inch, and scouring my mind for problems that don't exist.

It's like I feel like I can't be happy.
That I don't deserve peace and harmony in my every day life.

There must always be something!!

Why?!

Blech.

clean up my messes

2006-12-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

I hate that the weekend is over and I'm more tired coming out of it than I was going into it.
Friends of our wanted to take the Musician out for his birthday on Friday, so we went out. The next day some other friends of ours wanted to go out for lunch, and hang around the city, so we did that...with hangovers. lol.
Then we had playdates scheduled for the kids on Sunday...blah, blah. I had laundry to catch up on, and we stayed up waaay too late last night.
I'm whiny now.
Grumpy even.

Now today, my whole family are coming to the "city" to shop for Christmas. They want to stay the night, so yet again I'm cleaning up after our weekend of being busy. I kinda want it to stop.
I want to sleep in.
Play warcraft.
Eat pizza.
Sleep some more.
Play Excite Truck.
Spit sunflower seeds.
Sleep.
Have sex.
Sleep some more.

Yeah. I need a few days of that.

hold onto your hats

2006-12-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's December 1st.
I can drag out all my Christmas decorations and no one will tell me to put it away it's too early!!

Having a hard time thinking today.
We're having company for the weekend, so I'm in mad cleaning mode.
I make my 4 and 5 year old daughters work like slaves cleaning bathrooms, bedrooms etc.
They are SO good at it.
and so enthusiastic.
I wish they would never grow up and realize that cleaning is not fun. hehe

The Canadian blog awards are a big deal aye?! hehe.
I am an avid reader of Raymi the Minx.
She cracks me up and is...well, far from being like anyone else I have ever read.
However...
a while back I came across Blogging Baby, and Kristin from Debacherous and Dishevelled, and was hooked there as well. The mommyblogness of Kristin speaks volumes to me. She's kinda my hero since she has a work from home job, and children etc...

I think awards are cool and all, but it's so hard to vote for two different kinds of people...with 2 different kinds of blogs. You can kinda put them into catagories...but really ya can't.

I did choose sides and voted for only one of the two on all three of the computers in my house(each day this week) and I went to the library and voted there from 2 different computers for today. hehe. (I was bored during story hour!! I'm not obessessed with Canadian blog awards!)

Anyway, I like them both.

Ah sigh.
So much to do and here I sit.
I like how I keep saying I'll get up in 2 minutes...and 2 minutes goes by and I'm still here.

Procrastinator.
That is a great word.

Oh get up already.

Shane kicks my a$$

2006-11-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

Can you tell from Shane's comments that he's been in the military? haha.
However, you can see that he has that soft gooey side that helps old women across the street, brings his lady flowers, and saves kittens stuck in trees. You can just tell. :)

On a different note...
Do you believe in the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."?
With holidays looming(sounds ominous, and like giants), the Musician and I are forced to deal slash cope, with extended family that in this past year has caused our relationship a great amount of pain. For those just tuning in...dot dot dot. I'm married to a cheater. Not the kind that slips himself 100 dollar bills during Monopoly! The kind that breaks your heart when he falls in love, with your best friend and attempts to ruin everyone's lives, kind of cheater.
(God, I'm feeling humorous.)
Most couples who choose to continue a relationship after one of the parties cheats, seldom suceed at remaining faithful to each other. It's a statistic.
I want nothing more than to prove that statistic wrong.
However, the last fiasco, which involved my best friend, and my husband created a turning point in how my husband behaves.
(It should be noted that the latest affair was just one stemming from a loooong line of affairs, statistically, my husband could just be tired of hiding his shit.)

Generally, after I found out that my husband cheated on me, I would confront him, he'd be sorry, I'd forgive him, not trust him, and make his life hell for however long it would take for me to feel justified that he'd suffered enough. Rinse, repeat.

This time, something clicked.
Lightbulbs and all went on.
He IS different.

Part of me thinks he's just switching up his MO.

Another part thinks he's just tired of this dance.

Another tiny part feels hope that he is going to love me more than he loves himself.

And usually, after an affair, he would leave whoever it was he was with in the dust.
I would say cruelly.
Mostly because the few brave souls that would call him at home, and get me instead were...really messed up from what he did.

But, this time. Ah sigh.
This time.
It was my best friend.
That hurts. Ouch.
(Can you tell I'm getting over it?! Feels good.)
However, like any insane story that involves my family, excluding a Jerry Springer appearance, We have my best friend's brother who is in love with my husband's sister.
Bam.
Instant family.

(Which by the way...it's so funny when I rub it in that eventually his ex-girlfriend will be his sister in law. It grosses him out. lol. )

So we must deal.
No, he deals.
I cope.

Holidays mean, plastic smiles and careful bitch, your gaze lingers too long...
Holidays mean, insecure belly aches, headaches and mistrust oozing out of my every pore.

What this really means is...once a cheater, always a cheater?
I think so.
I think it's still in him to cheat on me.
I can't keep him from it. How could I? The ball is in his court. His serve.
It comes down to trust.
Can I trust him?
One part says "No you stupid fool"
Another part, "Yeah, something is different."

The war!

A lot of this year has been spent repairing our relationship.
We are different.
Stronger.
But it only takes a straw to break the camel's back.

I didn't want to write a sad downer post about my trust issues.
I don't feel sad.
I feel strong.
In spite.
I can see victory on the horizon.
I chose to see it.

gaming is for n00bs

2006-11-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

We bought a Wii.

That's a good sentence.

The Musician and I are what people call, "gamers". I have been playing video games for as long as I can remember. My first "gaming system" was an atari. lol.
The best part of my evenings is when the Musician comes home and we play a game. We get out our frustrations, and we talk.
I like that I can talk to him, even if we don't agree, we talk.

"I'm good at this one." Me, referring to Wii Sports, bowling game.
"Yeah? we'll see."
After a few minutes of bowling and practice games, he asks how my day was.
"It was alright. I still get so bored during the day sometimes. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wait to go back to school."
"You can go back if you want. No one stops you, but you." He is a huge advocate for education. :)
"I know, I just think it can wait til' Baby JD is big enough for school herself." I bowl my 6th strike in a row and do my victory dance.
He never gets mad at my victory dances.
"Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?" He smiles at me as he watches me bowl my tenth frame.
"Maybe a dentist. Maybe a programmer. Maybe an accountant. I don't know. What if I don't want to be anything?" I dance some more over my score of 260.
"No one stops you, but you. I've always said that."
"I know, if it's one thing you've always said...it's that." I laugh because he hates it when I reiterate what he's just said.
"You can be a pro smart ass. You're good at that." He pulls me in close.
We stand hugging for a few moments, then he breaks loose, "Hey, have you ever thought of being a writer?"

Argh.
Do you ever feel like you don't want to even attempt to do something because you know you'll just end up disappointed?

O is for Oh-ficial

2006-11-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I got my Idaho State Driver's license. How official am I?
I've lived here(in the state) for over a year and I'm just now...official.

Sometimes when people ask where I live, I say a bit quietly, "Idaho."
I don't think I'm ashamed...it's something like, it's not fully my home yet. In my mind.

I'm a southern girl for the most part.
Fried chicken,
Sweet Ice Tea,
and the accent.

I get comments on my drawl...

My license picture turned out okay.
I went in and didn't expect to pass.
So therefore, my hair and makeup were...well minimal. haha

I dot.
Dot, dot, dot.

Trav was out shoveling snow today.
He is SO damn sexy handsome.
I think older men are where it's at.
Now, I just have to wait for my Musician to hit 50 or somethin'.
smokin'.

:)

This writing thing is like stretching after a long sleep.

take a deep breath before you hit this

2006-11-27T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Person,
I'm pledging again to write for a week, at least once a day.

Deep inside I know it's good for me.
Stretches my brains.

I shoveled snow today. It's good exercise.

Things that make me happy:

Soft, wet snow.
The words soft and wet. *hehe*
Cold kisses.
Cocoa and mittens...not gloves, mittens!!
winter
video games. a great release from reality.
daydreaming about the what if's.
Christmas coming.
Making homemade anything.
My kids telling me I'm the "superdoublation" best mom. :)
Hugs and that "chin thing" to my neck from my Musician.
Candles.
Being able to jump up and down, dance and walk.
Movies that let you crochet.
Praise from my man.
scarves.
the eight pillows on my bed.
cold air deep in my lungs.
heavy quilts and comforters in the mornings.
thoughts of my blog friends.
Shane, Flygirl, Leen, rick, Edge, Lewis, Jazzy, Mel, Nan, Zulu, and any Tim.
people I didn't mention...:)

I went shopping some today for Christmas decorations. Since buying this house I feel the need to nest and line it with things...but I'm picky about what I put in/on it. I love that I can paint, put up, shove out anything I want.
Houses have personalities, and I can feel mine becoming so much of who I am. I love it.

My birthday came and went too...I didn't mention it because...well, I didn't. lol
I loved this year's birthday mark. It made me stand tall to realize that I'm STILL here. No one can knock me down and not expect me to come back with flying colors. AGAIN!
January will mark my second year of being able to walk as well. :) Sooo much. I was walking to the grocery store on my birthday in the rain...and it was like...all my dreams were true. I was walking, it was misting, my Musician at home waiting, and flowers at the backdoor from Trav. How could it not be any better?

I wish I had shared that with you. The happiness. I get selfish with that I think.
I'll try harder.

Til' tomorrow!
Lynn

pieces pieces everywhere

2006-11-21T09:51:00.000-08:00

I said I wouldn't post until there was something to post...but it's kinda dumb because what classifies something as, well, something?

Doing lots of reading, writing, pasting in my journal, laughing.
I laugh with the Musician.
We lay in bed naked at night and giggle over stupid things.

Maybe that is something.

I can't really remember the last time in our marriage when we were laughing with the other. I remember high school days, and early honeymoon days...it's a great feeling.

My heart still hurts. In spite of how idyllic and cheerio happy my life might appear.

How is it that you can have the whole world in your palm and you still want more?!

Thanksgiving is coming up. Turkey.
I noticed Trav, the guy next door, carrying a turkey into his house for his sister.
It looked pretty big for two people.

We went to a birthday party a few days back.
The usual people we knew were there.
Trav was there too. With some recently divorced blonde woman.
I thought I would be mad jealous...but I wasn't.
That made me sad.
I should be happy that I am moving forward.
Sigh.

I hate sounding meloncholy.
What a weird word.

Leen posted some fantastic 'weird' facts about herself.
Isn't it funny how we post things that we think are weird and then half of our readers say, "I do that too!" and then we find that deep down we're all pretty much the same. Except some people love Neil Diamond, and some people don't.
I wish it were that easy to define the whole universe.

Weird fact about myself: I like words. Not so much the spelling, or the meanings of words...the sounds. When I say them. I'll roll words around, and round my tongue for days because I love the sound. Like Spunk.
Spunk
Spunky.
spunk.
though some words look fantastic enough you can't help but want to say them.
gank.
love that word.
there is freedom in no caps.

But, I'm too particular to do that for long.

We laugh.
That pleases me a lot. More than I probably say, but should.
When I'm in that moment and my stomach is just heaving from the laughing, I forget the whole world...and I just see him, hear him, breath him.
I would laugh forever if my stomach didn't ache after a bit.

dark letters on the page

2006-11-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to think of anything to write.
That makes for a very blank blog.
I tried to think of things to blog about as I was driving the minivan to yet another ballet lesson, sandwiched in between a piano lesson and an aikido lesson. Hm.

I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird". I wasn't that impressed actually. I loved reading it. But, the point of it, was a point I read from some other book long before I read that one. However, the characters in it were real people. I love it when I find real live people in the pages of a book. It's the kind of feeling I get when I have to go from someone's presence that I really enjoy. That last page ends and you wonder what will happen to them after you 've left.

To ease the hunger of my neverending insatiable appetite for long drawn out fiction, I went to Goodwill and bought 3 of the fattest books I could find.
Now that I am a grand age of 27, I know that I like reading fiction the best. I won't lie and say I like philosophy or politics. No. I love fiction. With a capital F. :) The 3 aforementioned books are now patiently waiting from the top shelf of my bookcase.
The Musician doesn't read books hardly ever. He asked me why I didn't read history or politics or something "with purpose". I told him that books for me, have never had any purpose except to provide escape to places I'd probably never go, and hang out with people who don't care what I know about them. That is a book's purpose for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a hero of sorts. Swooping into Goodwill, or some other dusty used book store and buying 'that' book, and letting it live on my shelves where it will grow old, but never dusty. Then again, I feel like I totally let 'that' book down, when it's time to make dinner and when I set it down, I quickly dog ear it's right page, then rush off to do something else with my time. I am not sure what I feel the most guilty about...not finishing it right away, or dog earing it. My librarian told me, in first grade for sure, that one should never deface a book, "our friends", by bending it an ear. Of course she added that, 'you wouldn't like it if someone bent you an ear now would you?'. Of course not! But, I was born with ears and usually when you rush off to do something else without me, I'll wait til' you come back and finish my story.

Books are people. I'm sure of it. They just have different covers. :)

let it snow!

2006-11-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

It snowed today.
I got out the cocoa and snuggled with my girls and we watched Shirley Temple movies while it snowflaked all over our yard.

Sigh.
I feel content.

overlooked and oversexed

2006-10-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, especially since my sister moved in, I need time alone.
Now, if you've ever had small children, you understand what I mean when I say that I need time to be alone...and to not be touched. hehe.
Granted, my 'baby' is now 3 years old and is out of the baby stage mostly except for her pudge and her baby lisp. But, still, I'm assailed some days with constant child supervision.

Last night I went out to Denny's.
I took my latest book, "To Kill a Mockingbird", ordered a glass of coke, and a cup of cocoa. I sat and read for 20 minutes or so until I found myself people watching.
We all do it. Even though our mothers told us at one point in our lives to never stare.

I saw two or three aquaintances of mine all dining with men that I know aren't their husbands.
At first I'm floored. Because, after all, it's not some hot date scene, it's Denny's!! Then I'm like all judgemental, then I'm ashamed because I know what it's like and how they probably feel.

I wonder if this is a trend now. Leave your husband with your kids and go on a date. lol.

In other news, I am reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" for the absolute first time. I've read thousands of books, but this one escaped me. I'm not sure why, but I'm reading it and I love, love, love it. Next, I'll see the movie.

Halloween is coming up too. I got invited to my first costume party as well. (I'm celebrating firsts it seems!) I don't know what I'm going to dress up as. I'm either going waaay over sexxed as some vixen and totally go over the top...or I'll go the other way and be a gross disgusting ghoul or something. No lukewarm spue thee out of thy mouth dressing up for Satan's day for me. :)

sweeping the clouds away

2006-10-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

The frost is thicker on my van this morning than it has been all week. It's also a lot colder outside. I know if I just open that can of cocoa, it will snow.

I don't know how I have been gone for a little while, but people still know my email. It's interesting how some people can write to you, say mean things, then they expect you to just agree with them. Who would just take a mean comment sitting down? No, you wanna fight it out. I love that I have friends here who are like, "Meanies!" It makes me feel loved.

Sometimes I feel so selfish because that is all I care about feeling.

Trav, the guy next door, is going to 'winter' with his sister. She's...a mess. I told you some about her earlier and she is definitely someone who has a story...even if she is a meanashellmofo. I am only sorta sorry that I can't continue my saga about Trav here. It's nothing bad...I just know that we are going to be boring neighbors for a while. I have to go thru that...no point in me putting you thru that.

My sister and I are growing closer and closer. If you were to look at us, you would guess that she is the drama queen, and I'm the practical one. And if you were to guess you would say that growing up she was the devil and I was the angel. In either case, at this point, she the biggest drama queen to have ever lived, and right now I'm the angel for putting up with her. Some days it's like being married to myself.

I'm trying to have female relationships again. It's hard because girls are more work than most boys. We cut up magazines and pasted them in our journals yesterday. I do this practice quite often, but she was thrilled with the concept and stayed up late, humming and cutting up glossy pictures of supermodels. I kept watching her and I realized that she hasn't changed much from when she was 8 and wanted to copy every friggin thing I did. It made me love her and I wanted to go beat her husband up with a ball bat and tell him to treat my sister right.

The Musician keeps texting me from his workplace far away this week. I love each one.

I think the sun shines so strong in Idaho. It makes me think I'm really sitting on top of the whole earth.

PS. Nothing. I just love ps's because they sound cool.

keep it coming out

2006-10-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

Now that the damn has been chipped at a bit, I can't help but keep writing.

Music.

As I drove my son to school this morning, I listened to "The Wine Field". Omg. I love them sooo much. They were a band that did the college circuit waaaay back in the late 1990's. Maybe it wasn't way back. I have all of their cds and even if they are broken up, they mix my heart and change me up every single day with their songs. I like that kind of legacy.

My Ipod, Triggernuts, is still my best friend, and I walk around all day with music bouncing in my head. I am praying to the gods that I can afford to buy my sister one for Christmas. That way she can listen to music and get thru her hard times like I did. (yes, I named my ipod. if it gets lost, i yell at my kids, "what happened to Triggernuts?!" They scramble to find him like he was a lost hamster or something.)

stories, we've all got em'.

2006-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

I like how every person has a story.

And how when you were in first grade, and you still wore Mary Janes with white ruffle socks, and you stared at that Vietnam veteran with only one arm. Your mom told you not to stare and later she might explain that you don't judge a book by it's cover. At least my mom did. At least she did when I wore white ruffle socks.

Then later I learned that that man had a best friend, and he lost his arm saving someone he loved. He didn't seem so scary after that.

My sister has a story...it kinda looks like mine did. She and her husband and their little baby are staying with us. It hurts to read a story about someone else when they're so close to you. I hate waking up at night and hearing them fight...it reminds me of our old fights.
So I spend my nights sweating, cuddling close to the Musician.
Just stop reading.
But you can't when it's true life.

Men, sometimes are such animals.
I know us women can be bitches...but the fact that some men make women hurt and cry so badly at times makes me wish I were a lesbian. Okay...maybe that is extreme and a lesbian lover could make me hurt and cry like men have...but still, my point is, I hate it that my sister's husband hurts her. ...and sometimes men look like poison kool-aid.

Today, I woke up super early...like 6am. hehe. And I drove the Musician to work. It was still dark out. We held hands in the cold, and kissed with warm lips and chilly nose tips. Then I drove home alone listening to Regina Spektor sing about how I belong arm in arm with my Musician. I watched the sun rise as I drove into my driveway. Then I saw Trav next door picking up his newspaper wearing just his robe. I smiled a goofy smile and went inside my house not saying anything.

I feel rusty at this.

stiff and creaky

2006-10-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, you can stop with the hate mail. I didn't sleep with the guy and even though I did "sneak out", I was nothing like the Musician and I did not cheat...in my heart or concerning my vows. Shut up already.

That's over with. Now business.

My life has turned...gone back, resumed it's normal suburbian houswivery...is that a word? Anyway, it's back to PTA, my minivan, and hustle and bustle that most people think is boring, aimless "housewivery". :)

I don't talk often of my family...usually my dribble comes from whatever is floating or spinning around in my head. I share things that are usually not said out loud. I bet if you saw me, or met me at a bbq, you would be like, "she's Lynn?!" omg. "You're nothing like your blog."

I'm a secret agent...with a secret mission and a secret identity. How sweet is that kind of life. It's okay until lines blur and you forget what the hell you were thinking when you wrote out bits and pieces of your real life and your imagination meshes, (I love this word) with reality. It's scary...because when people you know from real life...start talking to you about your blog, you forget that you wrote it out somewhere. No, they can't read your mind! haha.

For a while there, I got kind of nervous. Someone who is very close to my Musician at his work found this blog. And they read it...and they mentioned it to me in passing. Because they know I like to blog and they know that I love knowing a new url to check out. How kind of them. How frickin' scary. So, it was nice to take the break and evaluate what was what and how much of my real self I put there. I wonder if they're reading this again? Hmm.

I love my ipod. I can't seem to get over my love affair with it.

Learning how to cook is really easy. Making things to eat is probably the most comforting motions you can do after a long hard day...being a mother.

I recently donated like 6 large bags full of almost new clothing that belonged to us to Goodwill. Clothes that just sat in our closets. I cleaned them all out and now my closets and every single bit of laundry are done in this house right now. What a feat. I should be congratulated...unfortunately, most people are concerned with peace in Iraq, and 3rd world adoptions to care that my closets are pristine and everything is hung to perfection. Oh well. That is what makes my world spin today.

I feel old. I want to feel young again. I want to feel tight, sparkling and smell like new car. Instead, I feel grainy, unshowered and dry.

I am sorry that there is so much rambling and not much content to this post...it's my first after spending the last few months writing a story. :P

PS. i remember that time you told me that you were curious about every detail about me. and when i wrote about making chicken for dinner, you were pleased. i thought about that again recently and realized that writing about anything, even if it's just what you're making for dinner is writing, and it keeps you rolling right around so you don't get stiff and creaky. thanks you!

the end

2006-10-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

The last day of our trip was bittersweet.
We had made up.
I had discovered new things, realized old things and felt resolute.
And my guy next door is never one to push.

Sitting along in a hotel room in a city far from home, makes one think and wonder about what life you left behind. And most people will disagree when I say that when I swore before God and the Musician that I would be there til' death parted us, but it's my truth. It's something I can't walk away from or compromise. No one seems to understand that it's not over yet concerning me and my Musician...it's just not.

I felt so blessed riding high in Trav's big blue truck, going down the highway, singin' and laughing...because I have never found friendship or love like I found there either. So don't think that my decision to come home was easy...it wasn't. It hurt like hell actually...and I felt like I was cheating myself...but I know ultimately I wouldn't be happy there either. It's funny how I know that. It's probably Grandma sayin' so from somewhere beyond. :)

In either case, that love is laid to rest.
And I have no regrets.

I have gotten a lot of email concerning martial-affairs, and adultery and that whole ball of wax...I don't know where I stand really. I know for myself I couldn't bring myself to do that...even having the chance. I couldn't do it. Not to say that it was because it was wrong...no. I just couldn't make that choice for myself...I know some people can and do and their world turns right around. :)
When it's all said and done for me...I just had to love. Love myself, love my husband and love my friend enough to say, "hey, it's not going to work, because I met someone else first." Probably the hardest thing I've ever said to someone I cared about. But it's said and the chips are falling where they're supposed to. :)

This story is finished for sure. I wrote most of it out of my journal of thoughts and wonderings and real life happenings. I hope you enjoyed it, even if it was written to be suspenseful and sad and full of longing.

crooked souls

2006-10-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

It seemed that we were fighting just as much as I fight with the Musician.
Over everything.
Now we were 'discussing' sharing a room.

"It's cheaper."
"I'll pay for my own thanks." I sink down into a lobby chair. It's not comfortable. But, I don't want him to know that sharing a room scares me...incriminates me.

"Why are you being like this?" His voice has the edge that makes me cry.
I attempt to remain calm.

"I'm not on this trip with you so we can sleep together, or discover some week long romance! I'm here cause we're friends and I was compromising." I am stubborn.

"I don't see why there is all this-" he waves his arms in the air.
"There isn't "all this"...there's just things I don't want." My eyes are filling up and I hate that.

He grabs my hand and we go sit in the truck facing a truck stop.
"Explain it." He turns his back to the driver's side window and waits.

I take a sigh and explain.
I won't be like him. I won't do anything that looks like what he did...and yet here I am. I feel guilty. I feel happy, I feel mad that I'm happy. I can't go on this trip and feel the way you want because I'm not where I need to be. In my life, in my heart, anywhere...

"You seem unhappy with him...sometimes when I see that, I just want to take you and make you understand what happiness is." He's too caring. Why is that I see that as a fault in him?

"Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean we're not meant to be together...doesn't mean I get to go off and do whatever I want..."

"does he tell you to say that?"
I explode at him. "You can't know what it's like...I know what it's like to be betrayed. I won't be like him. I won't!"

"Why are you staying with someone who hurts you?" He is looking past me.
"Because I promised I would." My chin raises in the air.
He smiles.
"I missed it." He rubs his fingers thru his hair under his ball cap. Streaks of silver run crazy everywhere.
"Missed what?" I ask with a soft tone, still staring at the truck stop across the way.
"Missed meeting you first." He sighs.

standing on the edge of me

2006-10-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

"what goes thru your mind?" I exhale. Feeling the blood rush to my head as I let go of that breath.

We're driving south and are almost to the edge of Idaho. The view any way you look is breathtaking. We've stopped at several gas stations for drinks, crackers, and sunflower seeds. Every time he's gotten out he's washed the windshield with the squeegee he keeps in the back of his truck in a black box. He seemed finicky when I first thought of him spraying on the car window cleaner, not Windex something else...but then I noticed by the time we got to our next stop, bugs would be plastered to the window, clouding my view. He would climb out again, buy the drinks, and start scraping bug juice off the glass.

"Is this what it would be like?" He smiles. I can sense he's embaressed for some reason.
"Yeah, me too."

"what are you thinking about?" He takes a sideways glance.
"When are we going to have a fight?" I laugh.

A few miles down the road we find a view point and decide to have our picture taken together in front of it. It seemed simple.
Get out.
Pose.
Click.

As I'm standing there an overwhelming sense of lonliness hits me in the face.
"what's wrong?"
He can sense my storm clouds as easily as if they were visible.
"I-" I can't explain it to him. It would hurt him.
"Talk. We can do that now." He wants so much from me...from this.
Why am I so stubborn right now?

He prods.
"It's just that...I've never done things like this before. I always wanted to." I'm trying to be gentle.
"Great! I was hoping you wouldn't think it's some lame boring thing tourists and old people do." His enthusiasm is forced. I can see he feels the awkwardness.
"But..." He sighs. "You wish it was with him."

We climb into the truck.
"I understand how you feel...but the person I feel that way about is here. What I don't get is...why spoil it for us, when you have the week off?"

I'm feeling guilty.
I hate guilt.

"there is no us." I am feeling angry. Mostly at myself.
"there is...for a week." He's pushing.

"Promise me...promise me that for a week, there will be an us. Promise that you won't be lonely or sad. Promise?" He's looking over at me every chance. I know he wants a smile.

"I'll promise that if...if you promise that when we get back...it won't hurt to say goodbye for good."

He's quiet for the next hundred miles...

chains fall off

2006-10-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Everything is squared away.
The knots won't leave my stomach alone.
It's not like I haven't taken a week off before.

Once, shortly after the Musician cheated on me, I left him for 2 weeks. I had the kids and granted he could find me if he needed me...but I was 'off'.

This is different.
It's not like a lie exactly.
It is time off.

I had sent the kids to grandma, and made enough meals to last an army a winter. The Musician would be fine as I went "off" for a week and took a break.
I think I feel bad because I'm not going alone.
If he knew, would he object?
Of course stupid.
Argh. Just be quiet.
I need this...can't you see that?
Yeah, like you need a bullet in your foot.

All my bags are packed.
I'm ready to go.
I sit. I wait.
I sigh.
Time to go.

He's waiting outside the door.
His handsome face is glowing in the morning sunlight. Autumn light.
He's taking my backpack and putting it in the truck.
The knots tighten tighter.
My breath seems stuck in my throat.
Why am I so scared?

I climb in and smell the leather.
"Are you ready to do this?" He's smiling.
I think I'm smiling back.
We pull out and my heart slows down as we make it out of the city and onto 'open road'.
The radio is going.

My mind clears...
Is this what it would be like?
He's smiling ear to ear.
My head is everywhere, thinking, seeing, processing.
His hand reaches for mine.

I sigh.
Home.
Familiar.
Safe.

You spoke my name so sweet.

2006-10-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yellow post its.
Who would have thought the power they would have? I see one and it means something. Something good.
Something dark and omnious...eh, no...never that. But something.
They move me.
I see yellow post its and know that it's our bat signal.

I slip outside.
It's dark.
The air has changed to fall crispy breezes and that smell of woodstove is everywhere.

"Hey."
"Hey." I sigh as I sit down. It feels normal to sit down and prepare to talk.
My guy next door is wearing his usual baseball cap and denim jacket. His boots stick out of the ends of his long lean blue jeans and a shiver runs thru my spine. I love him. I know I do.

"You look tired."
"I don't want to talk about what I look like." I'm short. I am tired. I hate what started out as a pretty awesome friendship...has caused me stress yet again. I'm tired of friendships.
"okay. I'll be to the point." He shuffles his feet some. "I want you to choose."

"Okay...like no." There, I chose.
"why are you so mad at me?"
"why is it that the whole world...okay, you and three other people..make me 'choose'. Why can't everyone just make up their minds to just do it my way for once?"
"because...you want everything. Cake and everything." He laughs a little bit and the air between us feels more familiar.
"alright...I'll compromise. Can we compromise?"
"I don't know...can we?" He asks with no sarcasm. I realize that I love him so much. Mostly because when I'm sarcastic, he isn't. I love that.
"Name it." I say. I regret it as soon as the words escape. Two little words and yet they fly out faster than I can think before letting them loose.
"Come with me...for a week." His breath is rushed and I hear the plea...and hopefulness.

I take a deep breath.
"Okay."

the end

2006-09-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

"Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened."
~Dr. Seuss.

I'm out. Not sure when I'm coming back.
This has gotten too hard...too personal.
I cry too much over it.

Take care.
Love, anonymousgrrl